MIchelle's Cancer Blog

New year, new opportunity

Nearly a month into 2012 and this is my first BFAC post of the new year. I’ve been checking in often but have been unable to update because I’ve been so busy – and I’m happy to say not busy with cancer (fingers crossed).

I’m working a lot (maybe too much) writing for various newspapers and magazines, and recently volunteered for a breast cancer organization (not the pink ribbon one!). I helped beta-test some new website and app software that it is readying to help patients learn about their illness, treatment options, etc. and connect with each other. Basically, I was a random user testing to see how well people can use this new technology to access cancer info and other patients, much like we do here on BFAC.

Through this process, I talked with the great folks who work for it, and we chatted about how I’ve been changed by my experience; how my 20 years as a journalist shaped my behavior as a cancer patient; and the emotional fallout after treatment ends. I’m still grappling with this, and am surprised by what a roller coaster ride it can be. They were very understanding and interested, which was nice.

Long story short: I’ve been asked to write a blog for them, detailing the post-treatment phase, which they recognize has been under-reported, under-emphasized, and generally downplayed across the board. Stuff like the side/after-effects, the PTSD, the loss of support, the insanely horrible things people (hopefully unintentionally) say to us, & the fact that sometimes cancer offers gifts that seem incredible, unexpected and so unlikely.

I’m excited to be able to do this, because it gives me a way to try to give back, to help other people, even if it is just my personal story. I’m grateful and nervous and excited all at once.

I also take this as a sign that I am finding the path I’ve hoped to find ever since cancer sent me into a tailspin. All through chemo and rads I realized I was in the right profession because, even as docs and techs were sticking me and scaring me with stats and making me wait for my results, I kept thinking “people should know this stuff!” or “how is this not out there? why do we not know about this kind of cancer, this insurance issue, this lack of medication?”

I wanted to write about it, to get it out there, to help – and now I hope to have a chance to do that. The added bonus is that writing helps me too.

I’m not looking for praise, just wanted to tell my BFAC family about it because I hope you’ll be able to appreciate and understand. It strikes me that this is a way to tell all the stories that cancer makes—the way you were walking down one road in life and suddenly, without warning, you were put on a totally different, alien road – without a map or GPS - and asked to find your way…to an unknown destination.

I’m no scientist, doctor, or nurse. I can’t knit hats for chemo patients. I sure don’t have a lot of money to donate. Words are my skill to give back, my calling (and more than once I have wondered why couldn’t I have been good at math?!).

I’ve built a career with words, but now it is more than just reporting or informing, its also about compassion, support, education, humanity.

Actually, this may be the most important writing assignment I’ve ever been given, and I can’t wait to get started.

Posted on January 22, 2012 at 1:27:11 PM by MIchelle (New year, new opportunity, 13 comments, 516 views)

3 people like this.

Good Luck, it beats the hell out of sitting around worrying about cancer. Be Happy.

Posted on January 22, 2012 at 2:39:01 PM by Kathysman

This is for You!

I guess holidays make everyone think of the past, those special days gone by, and those of us who’ve gone through cancer can look back with longing, gratitude, such a mix of emotions.

Today is Christmas Eve and last year on this day, I was facing my first-ever Christmas with cancer. Everything was so upside-down. I put on a brave face for my loved ones, especially my daughters who were only 10 and 6 at the time, but my moments alone were dark, scary and included a lot of tears. I remember my hands shook at times & I’d never seen myself react like that for any reason. My reactions confused even me. It was disconcerting to say the least.

This year I feel so much stronger, smarter, more peaceful even as I deal with the fallout that comes when treatment ends. I resolve to take time off from worry, to not let cancer ruin this Christmas – not just for my kids or husband or mother, but for ME. I’m going to enjoy it despite stupid cancer.

I am also compelled to post this update because I must write about how valued, how important, how amazing the people on this site are – all of you!

I didn’t find BFAC until I was halfway through chemo, back in April of this year, but I have found an understanding and compassion that could come from nowhere else. At times I take strength from your words, your prayers, your personal triumphs. I worry about you, think of you, send wishes and healing in your directions. I breathe sighs of relief when good news is announced, I wish I could really hug you, I want so badly to kick some ass on your behalfs at times. ;)

To each one of you I say Happy Holidays! I am so glad you’re here.

Posted on December 24, 2011 at 8:11:22 AM by MIchelle (This is for You!, 9 comments, 668 views)

8 people sent you a hug.

And we are all thankful that you are here with and for us. Have a Merry Christmas—you and all your important loved ones. It’s very good revenge against stupid cancer.