MIchelle's Cancer Blog

Irritating Check-Up Experience

I had my six month onc checkup Thursday. This time I only started getting truly anxious a week ahead of it, rather than a month, so I think I’m getting better at dealing with this difficult post-cancer life. That being said, the appt didn’t go as I’d hoped – not to say I have bad news! – but I feel a little disappointed in my formerly beloved hospital/doctor because it is now 2 days later & I still don’t know for sure what my MRI results are. So I’m now in that “trying not to worry about scans that I’ve done” mode. I hate this.

I had a breast MRI. My onc has me alternating one of those and a mammo every 6 months. I guess until I reach the magic 5-year anniversary. I know MRIs show more detail and are therefore able to spy abnormalities a little sooner than mammos, so the MRIs kind of scare me more because one might see something. Of course, I’d also be grateful for it picking up something that could be life-savingly early, so – like all of us, I suppose – its kind of a love-hate thing for the scanning technologies.

Right from the get-go things were weird. First the whole Angelina Jolie thing started 2 days before my appt, so breast cancer is everywhere in the media and people are talking about it, and I’m trying to keep cool about it in advance of my appt. So that made things a little strange going into my anxiety-filled week.

Then my experience at Univ of Penn Hospital was not what it normally is. After I got to that “back-stage” MRI gowning area, techs kept coming in looking for patients who weren’t there. It was just me and 2 other women but the doors would open and they’d call out for people not there. As for the other 2 that were there: one was waiting for her images on a CD that apparently took forever (she was angry) and the other one left (also angry) without having her scan because she had another appointment and was late for that because of the radiology dept being so behind schedule.

Then, my name was finally called & the tech started taking me to the MRI room. I had to point out to her that I didn’t have my IV for the contrast dye (she never checked), & this surprised her (!). She had to scramble to find someone to do that, after which I was taken in for the actual MRI.

That seemed to go ok – but it is so uncomfortable to lay face-down in the machine for 45 minutes. Despite it’s meager padding, the plastic thing that one must rest her sternum on for a breast MRI gets to be painful by the end. I had deep marks in my skin that last a while after the scan.

Soon after, up to my doc’s office to get the results and have the check-up. The physical exam went fine, I have no real symptoms to report but then – she checks and: no radiologist’s report or images for my onc to review & pass along to me. Doc said don’t worry, we’ll call you Friday with results.

One of my BFFs, who accompanied me since my husband was in Texas on business, said to doc: “No I know her – she won’t sleep without knowing – can she call YOU tomorrow for results?” And my doc says “Yes of course” and gives me hug and she’s gone out of my life (hopefully for another 6 months).

I waited until 3pm yesterday for them to call. No call.

I called. Doc’s secretary said she was in meeting, will tell her to call as soon as she can. I said yes please do because I’d like to have results before weekend. She asks what number to call. I say call my cell because I don’t want to miss the phone & have 2 kids coming home in next hour on two different school buses and will be out of house to do so.

Never got a call.

So now its Saturday and I’m supposed to get together with my circle of girlfriends tonight for the first time in a while. Our plan was to hang out, have a few cocktails, celebrate my anticipated-and-much-hoped-for good news and have a great night together.

I will still try to do so, and I know I will tell them the truth and then downplay my worry. They will be supportive and upbeat and tell me not to worry. And I will say “I know, I know.”

But I won’t have as much fun as I would have, because there is this little voice in the back of my head. And it worries.

I don’t want to let this ruin my day/night/weekend, but I know you all know how tough a task that can be. And I know there are sweet, lovely folks here with more to worry about but I just had to get this out.

I’m trying to do the brave face for my two daughers, who both asked me Thursday and again yesterday for results. They want to stop worrying too. And I’m Miss Brave-Face for even my husband, who got home full of jet-lag last night. And I’ll do it tonight with my girlfirends so I don’t ruin their good time. But I am worried. And pissed off.

If you read this all the way through, thank you. And I’m sorry for the rant. I just had to unload….and pass time until Monday, when I hope to get these results.

P.S. Do you think it would be ok to get drunk tonight? LOL! Just kidding.

Posted on May 18, 2013 at 9:42 AM PDT by MIchelle (Link, 4 comments, 119 view)

3 people sent you a hug.

Maybe not all the way drunk, but consider this your hall pass to “self-medicate.” Have a great time with the girlfriends! Hug, B

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hi Michelle,
Every time I read something like this it makes me furious. I am not for more government interference but there should be a law that if you are waiting for results regarding cancer they should have to be communicated to the patient within 24 hours. I think oncos should have someone appointed in theri office to do this..yes they may be too busy..awesome..but appoint someone who can…that steps up patient care to a whole new level. I feel terrible you have to experience this kind of anxiety.

Yes i think you can do anything you want! ..just remember friends don’t let friends….......... wait for scan results:) Lots of love and prayers your way, Lori

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Waiting for results just stinks, especially when a brief phone call from them would’ve made such a huge difference. I’m sorry they didn’t call you. I’ve often thought that everyone in anoncologist’s office should have to have had cancer as part of their training. I really believe that if they truly understood the worry they cause, things would be different.

Have a blast tonight in spite of this!

Danean

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It’s never good waiting for results, and even worse when they’ve been promised and don’t happen. Enjoy the alcohol therapy, and shelve the worrying til Monday. Sincerely hope there’s nothing to worry about though – love and prayers, Marney D. xx

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No Such Thing As Easy

Like I said in my last post, I’m grateful to report that things here are good. I have recently developed some pain in my ribs on the cancer side, but I’m hoping its just a pulled muscle (although I can’t recall doing anything to pull one). I have a regularly scheduled 6-month appt with my onc & a breast MRI in less than 2 weeks, so I’m hoping those go very well and this side pain is nothing but me getting old. I want to get old.

Speaking of looking forward to being elderly, the recent losses in our BFAC family have really gotten to me. I just can’t understand the reasons for such wonderful people not being with us anymore—not only Sarah and Kim and Peg but all the lovely, compassionate, smart, sweet people that I’ve sadly seen lost since I joined this amazing site. I know its impossible to understand such things and yet I want to anyway. It’s really bothering me. This bother, combine with the usual anxiety over our check-ups and the pain in my side have sent me back into a place I thought I’d left behind me a year ago. My latest lesson is that I guess I’m never going to escape that (mental) place altogether and I guess many of us – if not all – just can’t. Not entirely.

One of the reasons I haven’t posted much in so long is that I took a job, the first working for an employer rather than myself – and the first outside my home/away from my kids – since 1999. It’s been good but the schedule, and my kids’ busy lives, have taken all my time and energy. I think this is mosttly good and yet it hasn’t really panned out as I’d hoped. I’d thought it would make my life less stressful but that hasn’t really happened, I just traded one set of responsibilities/projects/deadlines for another, with no actual improvement in my stress level.

I work for a college. I spent September through February in the admissions department, helping recruit new students and promote the school, which was nice. March 1st I switched to working in the financial aid department, doing research projects and helping complete appeals requests for students who need help finding the money to pay for their educations, this has also been rewarding. When doing appeals, however, there must be a letter from the student or a parent, explaining why they need financial help to enable the student to attend (and have a career after). These letters are heartbreaking at times.

I’ve read about families struggling to pay for aging parents in nursing homes, about 18-year-olds who need help because a younger sibling is seriously ill (usually with cancer), about people who had money for college until their homes burned down or got blown away in hurricanes, one letter from a 17-year-old who’s father abandoned her at birth and whose mother was addicted to drugs and in prison, leaving the girl on her own since the age of 12, and read the letter of another 17-year-old girl who’s mom had died of breast cancer when she was only 5 and she and her dad need help paying for college so she can become a nurse – her job choice made because of her mother’s death.

Sometimes I read these in my office and have to keep from crying. I put the appeals together and send them off a committee that decides whether or not to help. I always cross my fingers and concentrate on each wish coming true. I’d like all our wishes to come true…and for all of us to live to be wrinkly and old.

Much love to all (with fingers crossed).

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 1:39 PM PDT by MIchelle (Link, 3 comments, 208 view)

mersea, laurielloyd sent you a hug.

Wow..your job sounds hard and fulfilling at the same time. Must be difficult to read such heartbreaking stories but also fulfilling when someone gets the help the need.
Crossing my fingers and saying a wish that all is clear. I have had repeated rib issues—and have had scans upon scans and all is clear. Perhaps it is growing older…which is a good thing :) XO

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Hey Michelle,

First off, I had to doublecheck your pics to recognize you. I love the new pic! Hair and face look beautiful! Second, congrats on what sounds like a wonderful job where you can move around into different depts. I hope it becomes less stressful. Whenever I am the “new guy” at a job, I find myself wishing I was at least two years in. By that point I feel like I know what I am doing and can relax a bit. I hope you stick it out and the same thing happens for you.

Sarah’s death hit me really hard. Some folks come across as so vibrant and then when you add youth it is just a double whammy when the “light a candle for…” pops up. It’s heartbreaking. Crossing my fingers and wishing for good results at your follow up. Good to see you here.

Carol likes this comment

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Michelle,
I am so happy to read a new post from you! I try to go through my “support” list to check up on people from whom I haven’t seen posts in a while. There are some who still haven’t. . . and, I fear, probably won’t. I still pray for them though.
I agree with Jennifer. I know you will be (ARE) a shining light at the college. God put you there for a reason (yada, yada . . but true, I believe.)
You are as beautiful as ever! BTW, you being so ancient, I am sure you sneezed too hard or something. :> Let us know.
Carol

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Springtime Check In

Hello to all my beloved BFAC friends!

I haven’t been posting but have been following everyone’s progress. I read updates but haven’t posted anything about myself because my life has been very busy yet blessedly quiet on the medical front. My last appts in November showed all’s well with my breast cancer and the brain tumor. Since I haven’t had much to say, I thought it was best to let the people who need attention get it.

This last year has been interesting and, although I’m doing well, cancer still shapes me. I try every day to allow it to influence me but in mostly positive ways, such as, I do nice things for myself and try to keep a healthy perspective rather than letting fear rule me. This has been a challenge but I think I’m getting there. I find I don’t think about recurrence every day now or every time I have a pain or cough or whatever. I work on being present in the moment, making happiness for myself and others, and looking to the future with hope. I’ve had (and continue to have) a little help from Buddha on this task and have kind of embarked on a sort of spititual journey – not in a conversion/throw myself into religion kind of way – but the mindfulness of that philosophy has brought me quiet joy and comfortwhen I needed it most. I am awake, or awakening, now and have more peace than before I was diagnosed – even though I sometimes have to work at it.

I want to post more and so look forward to reconnecting but, guess what?, I can’t – I have to take my youngest daughter to a Girl Scout Earth Day event. She’ll be working outdoors at a local park, cleaning up and planting flowers, to earn a special Earth Day badge. It is sunny and warmer (still cold enough for winter coats but not freezing) today and I’ll be glad to be outside and watching my little one (who’s going to turn 9 next month!) help make the planet just the tiniest bit nicer this afternoon.

I wish all of you sunshine, no matter where you are or what season it is there. And hugs too.

Posted on March 23, 2013 at 8:33 AM PDT by MIchelle (Link, 6 comments, 382 view)

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rigidridr, mike1954 sent you a hug.

Spring is the season of renewal, and you seem so renewed! Cancer does change us—the challenge is in ensuring it’s for the better, and not just becoming a ‘professional’ cancer patient. Hug your little one, celebrate spring and take joy in little things. Big hug back, B

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Hi Michelle—Glad to hear you are doing well and even happier that cancer is taking a backseat to life….Happy Spring :)

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Happy Spring and Happy Earth Hour! Thank you for reminding me, actually.
Lovely post, Michelle.

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Welcome back. Glad things are going well for you. We have a Tibetin arts center here, which I never went to, but heard it is nice, and the Dali Lama even went there a few times.